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Parenting Academic Insecurity: What If My Child Surpasses Me?

Parent reflecting on child’s academic success and emotional growth, highlighting modern parenting challenges and pride.
Feeling uncomfortable when your child outshines you? That’s human.

Parenting without academic insecurity — and why your child flying higher than you is the whole point


A guide for parents navigating pride, pressure, and the complicated feelings in between

A parent I know — a quietly accomplished woman, a postgraduate, a school topper in her day — told me something recently that she had never said out loud before.


Her fourteen-year-old daughter had just corrected her. Not rudely, not to show off. Just matter-of-factly, in the middle of a conversation about climate change, citing something she’d read that her mother hadn’t come across. And the mother had felt — just for a flash — something uncomfortable. Not quite pride. Not quite embarrassment. Something in between that she couldn’t quite name, while also recognizing the difficulty of processing these emotions and the stress that can arise in such moments.


“Is that terrible?” she asked me. “That my first reaction wasn’t just happiness?”


It isn’t terrible. It is, in fact, one of the most human responses in the world. And it is far more common among Indian parents than anyone admits — because we don’t really have a language for it yet, or always recognize the stress or difficulty parents may feel in these situations.


This article is an attempt to build one.


Quick Answer: Feeling uncomfortable when your child surpasses you academically is normal and common among parents. This "parental identity threat" doesn't make you a bad parent—it's a collision between your love for your child and your identity as a capable person. The key is creating emotional safety, not maintaining expertise.


The Feeling Nobody Talks About: Understanding Parental Identity Threat


Let’s name it directly, because unnamed feelings tend to do more damage than named ones.


When your child knows something you don’t, or does something you can’t, or moves through a world you find confusing — and your response is not pure, uncomplicated joy — you are not a bad parent. You are a human being experiencing a collision between two deeply held things: the love you have for your child, and the identity you have built around being capable, knowledgeable, and competent. Making mistakes is a natural part of both parenting and learning, and accepting this can help ease the pressure you feel.


For many Indian parents, that identity is particularly closely bound to academic achievement. An entire generation was raised to believe that education was the primary vehicle for dignity and security. Parents who were the first in their families to finish school, to go to college, to get a professional degree, carry that achievement as something precious and defining. When a child exceeds it — which is, of course, what every parent consciously wants — it can quietly disturb something that was never examined.


Psychologists sometimes call this phenomenon “parental identity threat” — the subtle discomfort that arises when a child’s competence begins to outpace the parent’s in areas the parent values. It is well-documented in research on parent-child dynamics, and it plays out in ways that parents are often unaware of.


It might look like: subtly dismissing a child’s new interest because you don’t understand it. Redirecting a conversation back to something you’re more comfortable with. Setting slightly higher bars than necessary, so there’s always something to critique. Feeling unexpectedly flat when the praise comes from someone else.


None of these are conscious choices. They are small, reflexive self-protections. And once you see them, you can do something about them.


“Every parent wants their child to go further than they did. What we don’t always prepare for is how it feels when it starts happening.” Parenting academic insecurity is part of a lifelong process of growth and adaptation, for both you and your child.


Indian parent and teenager discussing studies, representing academic pressure, emotional connection, and growth mindset.
Your child’s path isn’t a competition—it’s a story still unfolding.

Why Academic Insecurity Is Especially Complicated for Indian Parents


Parenting always involves ego. But in the Indian context, the entanglement between a parent's identity and a child's achievement runs particularly deep — and it runs in both directions.


On one side, there is the pressure to produce a successful child. A child's marks, rank, and college admission are not private matters in most Indian families — they are social currency, discussed at gatherings, compared across cousins, and held up as evidence of good parenting. In this environment, a child's success is also, always, the parent's success. This is not cynical — it is the logical outcome of a culture where families function as interdependent units rather than collections of separate individuals.


But this same entanglement means that when a child's achievements begin to feel like they belong to the child alone — rather than to the family project — it can quietly shift the ground. The child who outgrows the parent's frame of reference is no longer fully legible to them. And that gap, if left unexamined, can become a source of distance, miscommunication, and — paradoxically — the very kind of subtle discouragement that holds a child back.


There is also something specific happening right now, in this generation, that is worth naming. The pace of change in the world your child is growing into is genuinely unprecedented. Many parents today are raising children who will navigate technologies, careers, and social realities that simply did not exist when they were growing up. A parent who excelled in a world of rote learning and professional exams may find themselves genuinely at sea in conversations about AI, content creation, coding, or entrepreneurship — the areas where their child is increasingly fluent.


This is not a failure of parenting. It is a feature of the moment we are living through. But it does require a conscious renegotiation of what a parent's role actually is. 


What Your Child Actually Needs From You — And It's Not Your Expertise


Here is something that took me a while to understand, and that I find myself saying to parents more and more: your child does not primarily need you to be knowledgeable. They need you to be safe.


Safe means: I can tell you when I’m struggling without you panicking. I can be uncertain without you filling that uncertainty with anxiety. I can exceed you without you pulling away. I can fail without you treating it as a verdict on my worth — or yours.


The research on what children need from parents to develop into capable, resilient, high-functioning adults is remarkably consistent on this point. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later extended by Mary Ainsworth, established decades ago that the quality of a child’s early emotional bond with their caregivers is the single strongest predictor of their capacity to explore the world confidently. Children who feel securely attached — who trust that the parent is a reliable source of warmth regardless of performance — are more willing to take on challenges, more resilient in the face of failure, and more able to form healthy relationships throughout life. A growth mindset is the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, which is essential for fostering resilience in children.


None of that has anything to do with whether the parent can explain calculus or write code. It has everything to do with whether the child feels fundamentally accepted for who they are, and whether parents support their self direction as they learn and grow.


The parent who says “I don’t understand what you’re working on, but I can see it matters to you — tell me more” is doing something far more valuable than the parent who pretends to understand and subtly deflects. The first parent is giving the child permission to occupy new territory. The second is, without meaning to, signalling that the territory is somehow threatening.


Try this at home:  The next time your child explains something you don’t understand — a coding concept, a YouTube channel they love, a game they’re absorbed in — resist the urge to redirect or summarise. Instead, ask one genuine question. Just one. “What’s the hardest part of that?” or “What made you interested in this?” Then listen to the answer without planning your next response. Normalizing mistakes as part of the learning process encourages children to take risks and explore, which is a key component of developing a growth mindset. This small practice, done consistently, builds more trust than almost anything else.



Concept of mindful parenting showing child learning independently while parent supports without comparison or pressure.
Let them grow without making it a competition.

The Difference Between Pushing and Pressuring Your Child


Here’s where it gets nuanced. Because there is a version of parental insecurity that looks, from the outside, exactly like high standards.


A parent who is quietly threatened by a child’s emerging competence sometimes responds not by pulling away, but by raising the bar incessantly. Every achievement is noted but quickly superseded by the next expectation. Nothing is quite celebrated before the next goal is introduced. The child feels perpetually not-quite-there. It’s important to recognize the difference between pushing children to grow—encouraging them to push themselves and overcome challenges—and pressuring them to meet ever-shifting standards. The parent, if they are honest, would notice that the bar moves in a very particular direction — towards things they understand, can evaluate, and feel comfortable judging.


This is different from genuinely high expectations, which are rooted in a deep belief in the child’s capacity and a willingness to let the child define the direction. Genuine high expectations feel like “I believe you can do hard things” rather than “I need you to achieve things I can measure.”


The research on this distinction is meaningful. Studies on parental involvement and academic outcomes consistently show that what helps children thrive is not the intensity of parental attention but the quality of it. Autonomy-supportive parenting — which involves providing guidance while respecting the child’s own goals and judgment, and gradually relinquishing control to foster independence — is associated with better academic outcomes, higher intrinsic motivation, and stronger mental health than controlling or achievement-focused parenting. This holds across cultures, including in Indian family contexts studied by researchers at institutions including the University of Delhi and the Tata Institute of Social Sciences. Focusing on progress rather than perfection not only supports emotional resilience but also leads to improved academic performance.


The question worth sitting with is: whose ambitions are being served here? The answer is not always as clear as we’d like it to be.


“High expectations become harmful when they are really about the parent’s need for a certain kind of child, rather than the child’s need to become who they actually are.”


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On Comparisons, Cousins, and the Things We Say Without Thinking


No article about Indian parenting and academic insecurity would be complete without addressing the comparison — the cousin who got into IIT, the neighbour’s daughter who is studying abroad, the child of a colleague who is apparently doing remarkable things at a remarkably young age. It’s important to focus on noticing differences among children, appreciating each child’s unique strengths and development, rather than making direct comparisons.


The comparison is, in many ways, a symptom of the same underlying anxiety. When we compare our child to another child — particularly in the child’s presence — we are communicating something very specific: that their value is relative, not inherent. That they are in a competition. That the measure of a good childhood is where they rank. For example, if you have an only child, comparisons to peers can make them feel isolated, while comparing a son to his sibling can create unnecessary rivalry and stress within the family dynamic.


Children hear these comparisons very clearly, even when they are offered lightly. And the research on the effect of social comparison on children’s motivation and self-concept is not encouraging. Children who are frequently compared to others tend to develop what psychologists call a “performance orientation” — they become focused on looking capable rather than on genuine learning and growth. Remind your child to focus on their own progress and celebrate their individual achievements. They avoid challenges where they might not excel. They become risk-averse in precisely the situations where risk-taking would serve them best. Academic insecurity in children can manifest as sudden performance drops, school avoidance, physical complaints, and extreme perfectionism or fatalism. Friends can play a crucial role in providing emotional support and helping children navigate these challenges.


But here’s what I also want to say: the impulse behind the comparison is not malicious. It usually comes from love and from fear. “I want my child to have every opportunity. I don’t want them to be left behind. I’m not sure they’re working hard enough.” These are the feelings underneath. And they deserve to be addressed directly — with the child, with honesty and warmth — rather than channelled into comparisons that put the child on the defensive and close down exactly the kind of open conversation that might actually help.


Try this at home:  If you catch yourself making a comparison — about marks, about achievements, about another child — pause and ask yourself what you’re actually worried about. Then say that thing instead. “I worry sometimes that you’re not enjoying learning anymore” is a very different conversation from “Your cousin got 95% — what happened with you?” One opens a door. The other closes it. Maintaining open communication with teachers and creating a consistent home routine can further support your child’s well-being and academic growth.


Illustration of parent-child relationship focusing on emotional safety, confidence building, and avoiding academic comparison.

Redefining What 'Good Parenting' Looks Like When Your Child Knows More Than You


There is a quiet but significant shift required of parents as children grow — and it becomes particularly acute in adolescence, when children are cognitively capable of genuinely outpacing their parents in specific areas. The shift is this: from expert to ally.


An expert parent is the one who knows the answers, sets the direction, evaluates the outcomes. This role is entirely appropriate and necessary in early childhood. A five-year-old needs a parent who knows things they don’t. But somewhere in the middle years — and this varies considerably by child, as child development varies greatly and requires patience and understanding — a gradual handover begins. The child starts knowing things the parent doesn’t. The parent’s job starts to shift from providing answers to asking good questions, and from directing to accompanying. Developing a sense of when to step back and let the child lead is crucial during this stage.


This shift is harder for some parents than others. It is harder if you have derived significant identity from being the capable, knowledgeable one. It is harder if your own parents never made this transition with you — if you were always the child in relation to them, never quite the peer. It is harder in families where authority is closely tied to knowledge, and admitting you don’t know something feels like a loss of standing.


But it is one of the most important transitions in parenting. Creating a supportive environment that fosters independence and emotional resilience helps children thrive at their own pace of development. Play is also essential, as it supports social, emotional, and cognitive growth, and provides a natural way for children to learn and express themselves. The families that navigate this transition well — where the parent can say “you know more about this than I do, and that’s brilliant, teach me” — produce children who feel genuinely seen and valued for who they are, not just what they achieve. Additionally, it’s important to recognize that stress may manifest in children through frequent headaches, exhaustion, and changes in sleep patterns, so being attentive to these signs supports their overall well-being.



What the ally role actually looks like


It means asking your teenager to explain their interests to you, and actually listening. It means saying “I don’t know” without embarrassment. It means celebrating when your child corrects you, rather than deflecting. It means being honest about your own learning journey — including the things you got wrong, the paths you didn’t take, the things you wish you’d known earlier. Remember to celebrate progress, not just outcomes, and acknowledge the small victories along the way.


This kind of honesty is not weakness. It is, in fact, one of the most powerful things a parent can offer. Research on what adolescents most value from their parents consistently highlights authenticity — they want to know who their parents actually are, not just who their parents think they should be. A parent who can be a real, imperfect, still-learning person in front of their child is giving them something far more sustaining than a performance of authority. Encourage your child to take breaks, play, and focus on effort over grades, as this can help alleviate academic insecurity and foster a healthier attitude toward learning.


Try this at home:  Share something you are learning right now — a new skill, a book that’s challenging you, something at work that’s pushing you. Let your child see you struggle with it a little. Ask them for help if it’s relevant. You’ll be modelling precisely the growth mindset we discussed in our previous article, and you’ll be doing it in the most credible way possible: by living it yourself.



The Specific Challenge of Parenting in a Rapidly Changing World


There is a dimension to this that is particular to our moment, and it would feel incomplete not to address it directly.


Many parents today — particularly those in their thirties and forties — built their competence in a world that has changed significantly since they entered it. The skills that got them where they are: strong memory, disciplined study habits, command of specific professional knowledge, the ability to operate well within established systems — these remain valuable, but they are no longer sufficient in the way they once were. In today's environment, it is also important to take account of one's own stress levels, lifestyle, and study habits to develop effective coping strategies and maintain balance.


Meanwhile, their children are growing up native to a world of rapid change, AI tools, digital fluency, and careers that didn’t exist a decade ago. A teenager who has taught themselves video editing, built an audience online, learned to code through YouTube tutorials, or developed sophisticated taste in design is accumulating real, marketable competence — even if none of it shows up in a mark sheet.


The parent who cannot see this — who can only evaluate their child through the lens of grades and conventional achievement — is not just missing something important about their child. They may also, inadvertently, be communicating to that child that their actual strengths don’t count. That is a costly message to send.


This is not about abandoning academic rigour. Foundational knowledge, the ability to write well, mathematical fluency, scientific literacy — these things remain genuinely important and are worth taking seriously. But they are inputs into a capable adult, not the definition of one. Supporting children through academic stress also means encouraging regular exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, and ensuring adequate sleep at night, as these habits help alleviate stress and improve overall well-being. A parent who can hold both things — yes to academic foundations, and also yes to the non-traditional strengths your child is developing — is a parent who sees the whole child.


When Pride and Grief Live in the Same Moment


I want to say something a little tender here, because I think it goes unacknowledged.


Watching your child surpass you is genuinely emotional — not just as a matter of ego, but as a matter of time. The parenting journey begins at the moment of birth, and every milestone your child reaches is also a marker of how much has passed. The child who once needed you to explain everything now explains things to you. The child who once held your hand across the road now navigates the world with a confidence you sometimes struggle to keep up with. That is beautiful. It is also, in a quiet way, a kind of loss.


Developmental psychologists have written about what some call the “letting go” phase of parenting — the gradual, necessary process of releasing the child into their own life. It begins much earlier than most parents expect. It is not a single dramatic moment but a series of small handovers, each one requiring the parent to hold their own discomfort and let the child grow anyway.


As children reach new milestones, it’s common for parents to feel anxious about what these changes mean for their relationship and their role. It is entirely possible to feel proud and wistful at the same time. To feel joy at your child’s confidence and a quiet ache at what it signals about the passage of time. These feelings are not contradictions. They are the full, complex experience of loving someone you are raising to leave you — which is, when you think about it, the most quietly extraordinary thing any parent does.


It’s also important to remember that transient feelings of anxiety and stress are a normal part of development for children and adolescents, and they usually learn to cope with these feelings over time.


Naming these feelings — to yourself, and perhaps to your partner, a friend, or a counsellor — matters. Unnamed emotions tend to leak out sideways, into exactly the kinds of subtle behaviours we discussed earlier: the deflection, the incessant bar-raising, the comparisons. When you know what you’re actually feeling, you have a much better chance of choosing how to respond.


“You are not raising a child who will stay. You are raising a person who will go — and the pride of that is inseparable from the ache of it. Both are allowed.”


What You Can Actually Do With All of This: Practical Steps for Parents


As with everything in parenting, understanding a dynamic is only the beginning. Here are some concrete, kind, honest things you can do:


•         Notice your reactions, without judging them. When your child corrects you, or exceeds you, or moves into territory you don’t understand — notice what you feel. Curiosity? Pride? A flicker of something uncomfortable? You don’t need to act on it. Just see it. Awareness is the beginning of choice.

•         Say ‘I don’t know’ more. Out loud, in front of your child. Make it a normal part of family conversation. ‘I don’t know — let’s find out together’ is one of the most powerful sentences in a parent’s vocabulary.

•         Celebrate the things you can’t measure. When your child demonstrates creativity, emotional intelligence, persistence, kindness, or any other quality that doesn’t show up in a report card, name it specifically and celebrate it. ‘I noticed how patient you were with your younger sibling today. That’s not easy.’ These observations accumulate into a child’s self-concept.

•         Separate your story from theirs. Your educational journey, your regrets, your unlived paths — these are yours. Your child is building a different story, in a different world, with different possibilities. Be careful not to use them to complete something that belongs to you.

•         Ask more than you advise. Especially with older children. ‘What do you think you want to do?’ is more useful than ‘Here’s what I think you should do’ more often than we realise.

•         Find your own learning edge. Take up something new — a language, an instrument, a skill, a subject. Let yourself be a beginner. This does two things: it builds empathy for what your child experiences when they’re learning, and it reminds you that growth is available to you too, at any age.

•         Offer practical solutions for managing academic insecurity, such as stress-busting techniques, time management strategies, and encouraging healthy study habits. These solutions can help children cope with exam stress and academic challenges more effectively.

•         Remind your child to focus on their strengths and progress, not just outcomes. Celebrate their effort and perseverance, and encourage them to succeed by facing challenges, which builds resilience and confidence over time.

•         Be alert to physical symptoms of academic insecurity, like regular complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue, as well as behavioral symptoms such as avoidance of school, procrastination, increased irritability, and negative self-talk. Recognizing these signs early can help you support your child more effectively.

•         Understand that academic insecurity often stems from anxiety or fear of failure, and emotional responses can include withdrawal from enjoyable activities or increased irritability. Being aware of these patterns can help you respond with empathy.

•         Seek professional help if symptoms of academic insecurity persist or worsen. Consulting a counselor or therapist is recommended to ensure your child receives the support they need.

•         Talk to someone if the feelings are big. Parental anxiety, identity struggles, and unresolved feelings about your own childhood can all get activated in the process of raising children. A counsellor or therapist is not a last resort — they are a resource, and using one is a sign of self-awareness, not weakness.


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FAQs


Is it normal to feel anxious about my child’s academic performance?


Absolutely. Many parents experience anxiety about their child’s academic journey. It’s natural to want the best for your child, but remember that every child’s development is unique. Kids develop at their own pace, and supporting their individual growth is crucial. Try to focus on your child’s progress rather than comparing them to others. If your anxiety feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a counselor or parenting support group.


How can I help my child if they are struggling academically?


Start by having an open conversation with your child to understand their challenges. Encourage them to express their feelings and reassure them that setbacks are a normal part of learning and development. Collaborate with teachers to identify specific areas where your child needs support. Remember, kids benefit from patience and understanding as they work through difficulties. Personalized support and positive reinforcement can make a big difference.


What should I do if my child feels stressed or anxious about school?


A mild degree of stress can actually be stimulating and motivating for children, helping them to overcome challenges. However, high levels of stress can be disruptive to their well-being and academic performance. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and help them develop healthy coping strategies, such as regular breaks, physical activity, and mindfulness exercises. If stress persists or worsens, consider seeking professional guidance.


How do I avoid comparing my child to others?


It’s important to recognize that kids grow and learn at their own pace. Each child’s development is unique, and comparisons can undermine their confidence and motivation. Focus on celebrating your child’s individual achievements and strengths. Foster a supportive environment that values effort and progress over competition.


Can academic insecurity affect my relationship with my child?


Yes, academic insecurity can sometimes create tension between parents and children. Open communication, empathy, and understanding your child’s unique development can help maintain a positive relationship. Prioritize emotional connection and support over academic outcomes.


My child got into a better college than I did. I'm proud, but I also feel something I can't name. Is that normal?


Completely normal. What you're feeling is the collision of two things that are both true: genuine pride in your child, and a quiet reckoning with what that milestone means for your own story. Many parents feel a bittersweet quality to these moments — joy and something more complex, arriving together. Name it to yourself, and perhaps to your partner. You don't need to share every feeling with your child, but holding it consciously means it won't leak out in ways you don't intend.


My teenager thinks they know everything and dismisses my experience. How do I handle that?


Adolescents genuinely do go through a developmental phase of asserting independence, which often looks like dismissing parental authority. It is not personal, even when it feels that way. The most effective response is usually not to insist on your authority, but to stay curious and stay present. 'I hear you. I see it differently, and here's why — but I'm interested in your view too.' You don't have to concede the point. You just have to model the kind of dialogue you want them to eventually come back to. And they usually do.


My child is more interested in creative pursuits than academics. I'm worried they won't have a stable future. How do I support them without dismissing my own concern?


Both things can be true: your concern is understandable, and their creative interests have real value. The world genuinely is changing in ways that are creating new economic possibilities for creative, digitally fluent people. That said, foundational literacy and numeracy matter regardless of path, and it's fair to hold that line while remaining genuinely open about where their strengths might lead. The key is to make sure your child knows that your concern comes from love and not from a belief that their passions are worthless. Those are very different messages, even if the words are similar.


How do I stop comparing my child to other children? I know it's damaging but I can't seem to stop.


The comparison usually isn't really about the other child — it's about your own anxiety. What are you actually worried about for your child? Try to name that specifically, then address it directly rather than through comparison. Also worth asking: what would it mean for your child to be exactly as they are, developing at their own pace, on their own path? If that thought produces significant anxiety, it may be worth exploring where that anxiety comes from. Often it has more to do with our own histories than with our children's actual circumstances.


My child is clearly more intelligent than I am in certain areas. Should I tell them that?


Yes — with care. There is real value in saying 'you understand this better than I do, and that's genuinely wonderful.' It models intellectual humility, it validates the child's competence, and it removes the implicit competition. What to avoid is framing it in a way that puts pressure on them ('you're so brilliant, you must become...') or that makes them responsible for your emotional experience ('you make me feel so proud, I couldn't have achieved what you have'). Acknowledge their competence simply and warmly, and let it belong to them.


I sacrificed a lot for my child's education and I feel resentful when they don't seem to appreciate it. How do I handle that?


This one deserves real honesty. Resentment in parenting is more common than anyone admits, and it often arises when the sacrifice was real but the emotional ledger was never discussed. First: your sacrifice was real and it matters. Second: children are rarely equipped to appreciate what they haven't yet lived. A teenager cannot fully understand what you gave up, because they have no frame of reference for it yet. Most adults do eventually come to understand, and to feel gratitude, when they have their own responsibilities and their own children. Talking to a counsellor about feelings of resentment is genuinely worthwhile — it's a complex emotion that deserves proper attention, not to be swallowed or projected.


What if my child asks me something I genuinely don't know — and I feel embarrassed?


Say so. 'I genuinely don't know — let's look it up' or 'That's beyond me, honestly. Who do you think we could ask?' You are not diminished by not knowing something. You are modelling something invaluable: that competent, self-respecting people acknowledge the limits of their knowledge and remain curious. That is a lesson your child will carry into every professional and personal context they ever enter. The parent who performs omniscience teaches their child that not-knowing is shameful. The parent who says 'I don't know' teaches them that it's the beginning of learning.

 

 

A Final Word


There is an old idea — found in many cultures, and worth revisiting — that the purpose of the previous generation is to build a platform for the next one to stand on. Not to remain the tallest. To build the platform.


If your child surpasses you — in knowledge, in achievement, in the life they are able to live — you have not been diminished. You have succeeded at the deepest task of parenthood. Everything you sacrificed, every choice you made, every book you read to them at bedtime and every difficult conversation you had and every time you said "I believe in you" rather than "why aren't you better" — all of it went into that platform.


Your child flying higher than you is not a comment on your worth. It is the proof of your love.


That is worth sitting with for a moment, without rushing past it.


You built this. Let yourself feel good about that.

 
 
 

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